i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
