I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
