your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
