I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
