life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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