i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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