eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
