I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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