Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You don't make any sense
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