these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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