Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
