I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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