My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
