Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
