Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
