Can i not drive my cunt home
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
