I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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