i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
