i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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