I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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