it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
