dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
