i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
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I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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