Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
