On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
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i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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