I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
