I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
