I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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