Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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