he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
