Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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