Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
