the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
