Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
