Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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