I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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