I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
