I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
