You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
