Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
