forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
