Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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