I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you will always have a special place in my vag
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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