My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
