I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
