i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
