I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
