You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
