At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
