You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
