You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
