We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
