Four minutes until I can fart!
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.