I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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