I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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