i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
