i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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