So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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