I am puke
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
