Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
