Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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