I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
